searching for a step

That age old question of “what do you want to be when you grow?”  doesn’t always fade or resolve with a few decades under your belt. Strangely, it can re-emerge instead of disappearing.  Especially as one grows in awareness of need, even simple needs, outside one’s usual hemisphere.

Some days I feel like comfort is hard to choose the steadiness of comfort, despite the persistence encouragement for us to choose it. Despite our parents who “just want what’s best for us”. Despite my knowledge many things, and my utter lack of knowledge in other matters.

I find myself thinking about nameless, faceless people who don’t have the freedom and enjoyment I have in life. I think about people who have given up dreaming, and many without even realizing it. I think about what I believe in, and how I believe it could make a change. Those people could see they have options. This world could be different.

But do I believe that I actually have an ability to changes things is this old world with who I am and what I know? The ability to change lives? I am a simpleton. I’m good at many things, and great at nothing. I care, but I am not utterly void of self-preservation.  I don’t want to be the one who’s always been broken down, ignored, or surviving. But if I keep my life to myself, am I doing anything but surviving?

I enjoy people. …sometimes. Other times people are mean.  I intend to make friends, but I’m so much better at un-impressing people. My husband is the one with the soft warm side, which people prefer to interact with. It’s ok. I’m use to be the second string, tagalong. My whole life prepared me for that. But How can this be helpful to the world that’s in need?
If I were somebody would I be more helpful to a hurting world?

It’s insanity to assume that world will change once someone who is fully qualified emerges to preform a rescue! I mean… unless we’re talking about waiting for Jesus to come back. In which case we’re all merely living pointless existences. But that can’t be the case!
There is purpose, and that’s the point. People need opportunity to realize they have a good purpose in the earth at this time, which includes them specifically living here & now. But how do I help anyone with that?

There’s so much to learn in the world, and there’s so much to be done. I can’t wrap my head around the smallness which we get tangled into.

I want to help. I have ideas. But I don’t know how to help. Is this the perpetual cycle of life, youth, and ambition?

How does one take a step, when the people around you tell you the world is flat and you’ll fall of the edge? Moreover, how do you not take that step? How do you ignore that curiosity?  How does anyone keep themselves in the smallness of a tried-tested-and-true world? …Especially when the world isn’t working out to be all that it’s promised to be.

I know there’s a purpose to this life. I know there’s a reason I think like this. I just can’t seem to find my next step. But I know I’m not the only one.


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