Do you ever wonder what your younger-version of yourself would say to you in the situation you’re in now? I do. I probably think of this a little too often.
I was strangely encouraged by Sara Bareilles’ song “Many the Miles” and by reading the book of Job this morning. I had part of the song stuck in my head, but couldn’t remember all the lyrics to song, so I looked it up. Some of the words reminded me of choice I made when I was younger, and how I set my mind to being a particular type of person. Today I am still striving to be the person.
Sometimes I get frustrated that essentially I am not yet the person I have strove to be. I get really upset with myself, as if I’ve only made stupid choices. I definitely haven’t followed the simple road which has been paved before me. I really think my family would have been happier and more reassured if I had simply stuck with the directions (in life) that they gave to me, but instead I continue to choose to follow my heart and be the kind of person I believe the Bible describes as someone who truly loves God. But ultimately, my husband & I are in a hard place in life.
In this hard place, I try to regularly tell my husband how much I love being married to him. I am very aware that many good responsible people would have never walked down this road of obscurity with me. …but my good man does. We walk together hand & hand. It’s everything I could have ever dreamed of. We do our best to follow our hearts even though it doesn’t really make sense to many people, and doesn’t always make sense to us. But we are a ridiculously happy couple. Not that everyday overflows with joy, but that there is joy in these times and that we continue to share love is in itself ridiculous (in a good way). It’s everything I wanted to be when I was younger.
When girls are very young, they learn to imagine a sort of “Mr Perfect” and each girl has her own list of qualities, traits, physical features, characteristics that she thinks her “Mr Perfect” should be. Not long after I learned this game, I quickly came to unlearn it as well. I realized that the greatest thing about being in Love with someone else wouldn’t be many of the petty things listed, but would be someone who goes through everything (ups & downs and all the other obstacles) with me and still loves me.
A few years into married life and we’ve been in over our heads in attempting to actually live the things we say we believe in. We’ve taken something that’s laid out before us, and chosen a different way of doing things. We’ve chosen a difficult road. But you should know… we’re none the worse for it. Needs like money and hunger don’t really compare to the deep peace and apparently joy we’ve found in the midst of all this wilderness.
I can’t imagine there’s anything better than knowing I am still keeping to path I chose in a younger, purer, more innocent version of myself. Maybe life itself hasn’t fully succeed to something I can externally be proud of, but I’ve got a husband that I am proud of, I continue to develop the internal character that I wanted to be from my youthful years, and I am still willing to keep trying this “foolish” road.
Maybe I don’t have a plan for “success” in lot of ways, but somehow I really believed things like, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added until you.” I believed when I read in Deuteronomy how we should strive not to be in debt or take out loans, and how we should care for one another. I believed when the book of Acts say “and they were like family” and how it relates directly back to book of Deuteronomy. I believe Jesus when he says that world treasures only have value here & now and how we should work for things that don’t perish.
I don’t have a lot to show for my life. I am not an impressive person. But I am proud that I am continuing to grow up into becoming the type of person that my younger-self would be proud of. It means there’s something simple & innocent that I haven’t lost yet. It also means, that even if my husband & I don’t figure out external things in life, we might still have some success in who we are anyways.
This is the adventure of a lifetime.
“as long as my breath is in me
and the spirit of God is in my nostrils,
my lips will not speak falsehood,
and my tongue will not utter deceit.
Far be it from me to say that you are right;
until I die I will not put away my integrity from me.
I hold fast my righteousness, and will not let it go;
my heart does not reproach me for any of my days.
As for the earth, out of it comes bread;
but underneath it is turned up as by fire.
Its stones are the place of sapphires,
and its dust contains gold.
That path no bird of prey knows,
and the falcon’s eye has not seen it.
The proud wild animals have not trodden it;
the lion has not passed over it
Where shall wisdom be found?
And where is the place of understanding?
Where then does wisdom come from?
And where is the place of understanding?
It is hidden from the eyes of all living,
and concealed from the birds of the air.
Truly, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom;
and to depart from evil is understanding“