Curiosity, Doubt, Authenticity discussed

Sometimes when I think about community life together and imagine friendships and working relationships and wonder about the reality of unity, I feel so much like when I first meet my husband. To say I questioned the true exist of what is called love in romantic or marriage relationship, is putting it kindly. To say I was skeptical, is much more closely related to my questioning state-of-being. My skepticism did not just alleviate itself upon meeting this enjoyable man who’d years later become my husband, but there was something that did override my skepticism, curiosity. Curiosity to know just how real this man might be, or if I was wrong about him.

In the midst of doubts, curiosity propelled me forward, daily, weekly, constantly.

There’s a good old saint whose sermons my husband and I listen to, and when he talks about the story of Moses and the burning bush, he likes to ask, what made Moses turn aside to see the burning bush? Was it only curiosity? Or is there something about being an apostolic man that made it so Moses had to know truth, why did this bush burn with fire but was not consumed by that fire?

This word: apostolic, is a hard one to just through down without taking months and hours to explain. But hopefully a favorful synonym would be: authenticity.

My husband and I continue in our absurd path for authentic community, and searching for what God might do through such a people, because of curiosity, perhaps. …but then again, maybe it’s something much more. Maybe there’s a hint of needing the purest, closest form of community because we need to know if it organically can and does exist.

Could we live closely with people and be good friends or even kinsmen? Could we live closely with  others and intentionally be involved with one another’s lives in an expectional loving and caring way? Do people actually care like this? And therein is the truth: Do people really care for one another at all? Is there anything beyond this surface grin?

I also ask questions like, if we aren’t able to live communally then what kind of hell will heaven be for us? If we are always us to our personal space, hidden feelings, personal quite times, particular schedules, and personal preferences then… will heaven be heaven for us?

Does Jesus say things like “many that are first will be last, and the last first. ” not necessarily to be mystical or provoking, but to explain the workings of what is to be part of an apostolic and authentic kingdom (namely Heaven)?  If we can’t and won’t serve one another here & now, then what makes us think we’d suddenly be happy-go-lucky then?  If we don’t have the priority to be together now, will we know how to righteously react to one another then?

I question myself.

Am I chasing dreams and hopes and fantasies of happily ever after? Or is it that I need to know truth here and now, in order to believe that it ever could exist, and that I could ever enjoy it?  Is it doubt or curiosity or a hunger for authenticity which compels me forward in life, prayers, thoughts, hopes, pursuits?  I’m not always sure. That’s why I regularly ask myself what we’re doing here.

I hope a day will come where I might look back and laugh at these questions. I hope friendships will become rooted so deep that these times will only be a faint memory. I hope to meet others who ask these questions and willing to risk their personal lives and preferences for the authentic and the apostolic and the eternal truth.

I am thankful for those whom we have meet. I pray for those whom we have not yet meet. I pray for those who do not yet seem this as necessary for the fullness of Zion. I am thankful. I am worried. I am in pursuit of apostolic truth. God help me. Here I stand, I can do no other.


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